I have always dreamed about the day that I would be a mom, but truthfully I never gave pregnancy much thought. I didn't really realize what I would be up against in this journey. It's certainly a process and a learning experience. My body has already been through so much in my short 32 years of life, more than some people ever even experience in a lifetime. That being said, I thought that pregnancy would be something that I would find simple or easy in comparison. I am not ashamed to say, I was wrong.
This is hard.
When people know that you are pregnant, they expect you to be happy ALL the time. You're pregnant, so all is right with the world and every day is a celebration...to everyone else. If you don't always have a smile on your face when you are pregnant, then something is wrong with you. But let's be honest here, pregnancy is not always sunshine and rainbows. It's really hard and really exhausting growing another human. Just because you are pregnant doesn't mean that all of your other identities just disappear. Your responsibilities, worries, problems, and concerns before pregnancy don't just go away. They are all still there, along with all of the new responsibilities, worries, problems, and concerns that come with being pregnant and becoming a parent. Not only is your body constantly changing and growing to accommodate the new miraculous life inside of you, but your mind is also expanding and trying to keep track of and prepare for everything that is happening.
Physical changes happen so fast in pregnancy that it is hard to keep up. You look in the mirror and see yourself, but you absolutely do not feel like yourself. Physical changes in pregnancy are healthy, normal, and necessary, but the fact that it happens so quickly and without your control makes it harder to cope with. Your body changes shape and size, and things start to hurt in places that you didn't think were possible. Everything you do takes extra time and effort and the fatigue it produces is unbearable.
Baby brain is real. I used to think that pregnant people or moms would use it as an excuse, but trust me, it's real. I feel like somedays I am going crazy because I can't keep my mind on track and my memory is shot. This is so not like me. I am usually on top of things and rarely forget important things. But today, for example, I legitimately could not remember my zip code. It sounds silly, but it just makes me feel stupid and inadequate and like I'm losing pieces of myself.
Now add to that hormone changes, along with crippling anxiety, and this makes for a really intense and difficult time. A time that everyone tells you that you should be enjoying every second of and a time that everyone wants you to be nothing but thrilled about your ever-growing baby bump and the sweet baby that will be in your arms in a few short months. I get it. I have expected the same from pregnant friends and family members in the past and haven't been able to understand why they didn't want to talk about pregnancy or plans for when the baby gets here every second of the day. But now, I totally get it.
There is so much outside pressure and so many constant questions- even if they are well intentioned, it is hard. What is your due date, is it a boy or a girl, what names do you have picked out, what will the nursery look like, when is the baby shower, where are you registered, are you going to breastfeed, will you get an epidural for the birth, did you pick out a pediatrician, etc.
So many questions it's enough to leave your head spinning. Little do people know, you are just trying to survive and get through the day without a hormonal breakdown.
Although being pregnant is not a walk in the park and is physically and mentally draining, I know how truly blessed I am to be chosen to be this baby's mom and carry him safely in my body for 9 months. There is not one day that passes that it is lost on me how lucky and blessed I am to have this opportunity. I have friends struggling with infertility, friends that have suffered unimaginable losses, and friends that are carrying babies that they know will not live once they are born. I know that in comparison, I have absolutely no place to complain about pregnancy woes. But I still believe that I am justified in voicing how I, and other pregnant women feel throughout this crazy journey. My feelings are real and it's ok to talk about without feeling guilty.
I thank God every day that I carry this healthy baby boy in my body, and pray that he comes into this world healthy and safe. I am happy and get teary and emotional every time he moves and kicks me because I know that he is growing and this is real. I cannot wait to finally hold him in my arms and to for him to join the family,
Pregnancy is just another one of life's lessons teaching us that you have to take the bad with the good, and that in the end it will all be worth it.
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